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Package, The

Director:  Jake Szymanski
Year Released:  2018
Rating:  2.0

Five high schoolers go on a camping trip - with alcohol and weed, naturally - and one of them, Jeremy (Eduardo Franco), 'accidentally' cuts off his penis while playing around with a butterfly knife, so his friends (Daniel Doheny, Luke Spencer Roberts and Sadie Calvano) and sister (Geraldine Viswanathan), after getting him medevac'd to a hospital, have to take his severed member back to him, encountering numerous tribulations on the way. I want you to picture, in your mind, the lowest the proverbial bar can go ... and then lower it even more, as this Netflix quickie will stop at nothing to keep going below even that ... and when it gets to Doheny sucking venom from the digit (which, it turns out, isn't necessary) and a gas station attendant picking hairs and grime from the appendage, well, that's just how it is. Despite the too-easy puerile gags and endless pop culture references (what, Lorena Bobbitt doesn't get mentioned once?), it's kinda funny in parts, or at least it was to me screening it at midnight, which is most likely the optimal time to bother with it. John S. Hall did not contribute to the screenplay, because he's too busy litigating (and making money).

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