N A V I
G A T E
My Top Ten For 2007
1. Time (Kim Ki-Duk): "The year's most complex effort: a statement about identity and the inner-workings of our relationships! To paraphrase Cosmo Kramer, Ki-Ducky, baby, you just blew my mind!'"
2. Ratatouille (Brad Bird): "A defense of elitism? Set in Paris? About food I can't afford? And it's one of the top grossing films of the year? w00t!"
3. I Don't Want to Sleep Alone (Tsai Ming-Liang): "Here's that personal filmmaking I was talking about! The need to touch and feel another body next to you! Tsai knows what I'm talking about! Now with 95% less dry humor!"
4. Grindhouse (Robert Rodriguez, Quentin Tarantino, Robert Montgomery Zombie, Edgar Wright and Eli "I'm Good for Roughly Five Minutes" Roth): "Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't break this up for the DVD rele-- ah, I see you did just that."
5. Day Night Day Night (Julia Loktev): "Someone refuses to add this chick on Facebook and she wants to knock out my beloved Port Authority? How else will I bus to NYC to see Jemina Pearl collapse on stage?"
6. Sicko (Michael Moore): "My Grandmother was in the hospital this summer! She has Medicare and she still had to pay like $500 on top of that! Out of her own pocket! Goddamn this morally bankrupt country!"
7. Flanders (Bruno Dumont): "The funniest filmmaker since Dreyer! This guy is a riot! Did you ever hear the one about life being hell just like war is hell and sex is hell too? I laughed so hard mineral water shot out of my nose!"
8. Black Book (Paul Verhoeven): "P.V. takes on WWII ... camp style! It almost makes me want to dye my pubes!"
9. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (Tim Burton): "As much blood as Ichi the Killer, Helena Bonham Carter's bosom heaves for two hours and Rickman sings!? How many cine-orgasms can one film give me?"
10. Gone Baby Gone (Ben Affleck): "So close to beein' a mah-stah-peace I coulda almost tasted it! Between this and the Sah-ks winnin' the Pennant, Bah-ston's lookin' like tha place to be this yee-ah!"
Features: Terror's Advocate (Schroeder), I Am Legend (Lawrence), Persepolis (Paronnaud & Satrapi), My Kid Could Paint That (Bar-Lev), 3:10 to Yuma (Mangold)
Shorts: Tuileries (Joel and Ethan Coen), Christian Dior: "Midnight Poison" (Wong Kar-Wai), 14th Arrondissement (Alexander Payne), Justice: "D.A.N.C.E." (Jonas & François/So Me), Lifted (Gary Rydstrom)
Some of the Worst Films of the Year
(With apologies to Steven Sondheim.)
There's a hole in the world like a great black pit
into which a guy got kicked by a Spartan hit
and Nick Cassavetes's dog should follow it
Plus so many more...
These films deserve to die.
The Freedom Writers, too, I'll tell you why
Because of all those film-watching days
It was so painful to watch the Smoking Ace
or read another blog post about that Owen Wilson headcase
or find out Gus casts movies using Myspace
(Listen to me, lurker, as I plead my case!)
These films deserve to die
Tell you why, Mr. Schickel, tell you why.
Mr. Brooks, Edith Piaf and Margot too
If I was Danny Trejo I'd take a machete to you
You all deserve to die
And I'll never see sweet Keira
No, I'll never hold my anorexic girl to me - finished!
All right! How about you, Jon Heder?
Zodiac Killer? Dublin singer?: go back in the freezer!
I'm having SAG steak for dinner!
Not one torrent, not two torrents,
Not three can appease me -
I will download your witchcraft!
And a tear into it completely!
Why spend my fresh cash down at the theater?
When I can sit on my couch and swipe a Miramax screener?
I'm a fraud? A con? An art-house deceiver?
Hey, that describes Soderbergh quite well
and his ocean of believers!
But tomorrow waits!
I deserve plenteous cheers!
Though not as many as the stud
who knocked up Jamie Lynn Spears!
© Copyright 2019 Matthew Lotti.