N A V I
G A T E
My Top Ten For 2006
1. The Departed (Martin Scorsese): "He makes the best fuckin' films! He makes the best fuckin' films! If I ever meet him I'm gonna grab his fuckin' neck and just shake him and say thank you, thank you for makin' such excellent fuckin' movies! Then I'd twist his nose all the way the fuck around!"
2. An Inconvenient Truth (Davis Guggenheim): "This man speaks truth! He also made out with his wife! In public! I saw it!"
3. Inside Man (Spike Lee): "Spike does Melville! ... Sort of! At least the government isn't blamed for blowing up the
levees bank in this one!"
4. Perfume: The Story of a Murderer (Tom Tykwer): "Panty sniffers rejoice! You're actually on to something!"
5. Jackass Number Two (Jeff Tremaine): "The most intentionally homoerotic picture released in all those multiplexes this year! There's a rooster with a rainbow! And John Waters! And things in asses!"
6. The Child (Jean-Pierre and Luc Dardenne): "An accurate depiction of child-bearing in these troubled times! Those Belgian kids know how to look poor!"
7. Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (Larry Charles): "I like you! Do you like me?"
8. Half Nelson (Ryan Fleck): "Who cares about plotting these days? It's about acting, baby! Ryan Gosling is a knockout! In a role that's either hideously affected or brilliant, or both, who can tell anymore?"
9. Marie Antoinette (Sofia Coppola): "Being rich and pretty and from New Jersey and having a husband with deformed [??] genitalia is no way to live! Why did they take my dog away? Wait ... is that Modern English on the soundtrack? I'll stop the world and melt with you!"
10. Casino Royale (Martin Campbell): "Dark! Brooding! Tongue-in-cheek! The best Bond since the last one Connery was in! Wait, hold on! Is it physically possible for Eva Green to drown with boobs like those? Call Mythbusters!"
Features: United 93 (Greengrass), The Lives of Others (von Donnersmarck), Letters From Iwo Jima (Eastwood), Apocalypto (Gibson)
Shorts: The lonelygirl15 Serials (Beckett, Flinders and Goodfried), "Unpimp" Volkswagon ads (Åkerlund), Pink (White)
The Worst Films of the Year
(In one tight paragraph instead of sleeve of wizard.)
The Puffy Chair & Silent Hill & Annapolis & Hard Candy & I'm a Sex Addict & The Fountain & Monster House & Cars & A Scanner Darkly & The Libertine & The Da Vinci Code & The Proposition & Bubble & Failure to Launch & Manderlay. Fuck 'em.
Hey man, what's the deal with...
... That Hip Flask You Got for Christmas?: Excellent question. That device will enable me to walk around with a sizeable portion of Irish whiskey on me at all times. Say, did I ever tell you the one about the alcoholic teacher?
... These Teachers Fucking These Kids?: Excellent question. Apparently some people think I have a very good answer for this. I'm going to try to come up with something later. What are we, priests? Come on peers, etc.
... Soderbergh?: Oh, I get it: he got tired of the glitz of shooting in Vegas and flying around Europe so he went to the boondocks, hired a woman from KFC and decided to make a video. Lil Kim has street cred. This man does not have street cred.
... Theo's Three Week
Retirement Break?: I muttered to my monitor, "This won't last." And it didn't, thank God.
... Your Rejuvenated Interest in Hentai?: I don't know. I used to watch it in high school for the curio factor, then interest faded, now I'm back to watching it again. Should I want to see wide-eyed animated girls getting raped by tentacle dicks? No. But I do. I feel ashamed, etc.
... The Fact That You Keep Losing Money in Atlantic City?: Excellent question. I keep playing craps ... and I keep losing. I think I need to try a new game. Slots are so Skinnerian, so maybe Blackjack's my deal. Oh! One overheard gem from an older gentleman in a Navy hat: "You know what I like about Asians? They spend a lot, and they win a lot, but they lose a lot too!" Say what?
... My Third Open Letter to Keira Knightley?: "Dear Keira, I'm leaving you for Kristen Bell. God, look at that body. Of course, should she file a restraining order against me, I'm coming back to you. Also, I found myself staring at your perfect teeth in that Pirates thing and lost track of the plot. Why you kill Capt. Jack like that? Cliffhangers are so 1993. Love always, Matt"
© Copyright 2018 Matthew Lotti.